Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Twilight

About three things I was absolutely positive.First, Edward was a vampire.Second, there was a part of him—and I didn't know how dominant that part might be—that thirsted for my blood.And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.In the first book of the Twilight Saga, internationally bestselling author Stephenie Meyer introduces Bella Swan and Edward Cul...

Title:Twilight
Author:
Rating:
ISBN:0316015849
Edition Language:English
Format Type:Paperback
Number of Pages:498 pages

Twilight Reviews

  • Nicola
    Jun 07, 2007

    I really enjoy lively details. There's nothing better than knowing an author has really

    about her characters and situations, and come up with some surprising and delightful detail that makes the whole reading experience fuller.

    details, you understand --

    details are a nightmare to read. I don't need to know that Bella ate a granola bar for breakfast. I REALLY DON'T. (Notice that I remembered the granola bar. I think this is partly because I was fervently hoping it

    I really enjoy lively details. There's nothing better than knowing an author has really

    about her characters and situations, and come up with some surprising and delightful detail that makes the whole reading experience fuller.

    details, you understand --

    details are a nightmare to read. I don't need to know that Bella ate a granola bar for breakfast. I REALLY DON'T. (Notice that I remembered the granola bar. I think this is partly because I was fervently hoping it

    have significance. Like, she would spectacularly choke on her oatmeal the next day and think, "AH, I should have had a granola bar like yesterday!")

    "Show, don't tell" is not the be-all-and-end-all of writing. There's a little thing called

    . It's beautiful; it facilitates plot progression without having to follow your narrator through 24-fucking-hours of a day... and "watch" as she eats a fucking granola bar for breakfast.

    I've seen this novel accused of Mary Sue-ism and um,

    , any character named Isabella Swan seems destined to be a Mary Sue. But honestly, I wouldn't begrudge a semi-autobiographical story if it actually had any of the realism of autobiography. All the high school/teenage stuff honestly made me boggle. Because... that's not what high school is like! That's not what

    is like!

    reads like... well, it reads like a thirtysomething who has

    recollection of being 17. Bella has all the emotional maturity of a 32-year-old and that's just not remotely believable.

    Meyer is not a bad writer. She has the ability to string words together. Unfortunately, she lacks any kind of flair. There was no original description; no truly evocative language.

    reads like Meyer has read a lot of mediocre novels and regurgitated the same kind of language onto the page. There is just nothing

    to the language. The dialogue is awful: not only uninspiring and lacking in wit, but... it's all the same! There's no difference in speech patterns to the characters; no awareness of personal tics. The characterization is wafer-thin (see above, re: Mary Sue). The plotting is terrible: the novel trundles along at a slow pace for 250 pages and then Meyer seems to suddenly realize she needs a climax and the gears shift abruptly and the reader is caught up in a series of ridiculous contrivances that set up Meyer's final set-piece (which, by the way, I saw coming a mile away).

    This is such a profoundly antifeminist novel. And it's funny, because I think Meyer has no idea that it's antifeminist. I mean, she has a female heroine! A heroine who reads Austen and writes essays about misogyny in Shakespeare! Surely she's kicking butt for all womankind. Um... no. She cooks, she cleans, she looks after the man in her life! She needs male characters to protect her from the big, bad, scary world! She falls headfirst into a disturbingly dysfunctional relationship with a man 90 years her senior without the slightest amount of worry!

    Seriously. Bella/Edward. What's

    all about? I don't get the attraction. He has her in his

    . She is, let me quote, "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love with him -- and after, like, a week. o__O She's consumed by him; she's willing to sacrifice her life for him, and that's... romantic? I just think it's a bit sick, really. You know what I find romantic? Human warmth. Not sweeping, dramatic statements of everlasting and overarching love. Little, sweet moments of connection that ring true. That's something

    's apparently epic love story is sorely lacking in. (Did I say Bella has the emotional maturity of a 32-year-old? Well, except when it comes to Edward. There she has the emotional maturity of a

    .)

  • Chris
    Nov 21, 2007

    I actually had to give this book three separate reviews by three sides of my personality. My three-star rating is the median of the three:

    Bella is smart, funny, well-read, pretty and yet misunderstood by most of her peers (just like me). Then she meets a cool, hot guy who turns out to be a good vampire, and he can do really cool things, like run fast and stop cars with his hands, but he's still sweet and wonderful. It's ultimate wish-fulfillm

    I actually had to give this book three separate reviews by three sides of my personality. My three-star rating is the median of the three:

    Bella is smart, funny, well-read, pretty and yet misunderstood by most of her peers (just like me). Then she meets a cool, hot guy who turns out to be a good vampire, and he can do really cool things, like run fast and stop cars with his hands, but he's still sweet and wonderful. It's ultimate wish-fulfillment fantasy -- what's not to like? Meyers can make your heart speed up with some of the tense, tortured "we must be together/no, what if i hurt you" pg-13 erotica.

    Meyers can tell a pretty good story, when she lets herself actually tell it -- the book starts out well, and would have been a bit more interesting if I hadn't known he was a vampire all along. Then it slows down during the long "getting to know you" dialogue exchanges between Edward and Bella -- there's no plot, just back-story and exposition disguised as conversations, and far too many "I can't be with you, I don't want to hurt you!" "But I love you, I don't care about danger!" back-and-forths. When the evil vamps show up, however, the story kicks back in and the end is quite exciting. When Meyers isn't dwelling on how perfectly angelic Edward is (again!) she can get the pages turning. Since there are A LOT of pages to turn, I wish she would have infused that urgency into the story more often. While abandoning most of the conventional cliches of vampire-lore (stakes, sunlight, garlic, coffins) she keeps all the modern-vamp-romance cliches (alabaster skin, good hair, expensive taste in clothes, tragically distant), and adds a few of her own unfortunate twists (vampires avoid the sun because it makes them sparkle, the good-vamp clan play some extreme version of baseball in a scene that was far too Quidich-y for my taste). Too many cliches or trying to hard to be original -- somehow both criticisms are accurate.

    Meyers describes Bella as being strong, brave, and independent, but then shows her as a spineless, cowering victim who needs to be saved by her violently jealous and over-protective boyfriend. She constantly goes on and on about how Edward is perfect at everything and how he's so gorgeous and she is so unworthy of him, how he's so strong and he protects her. In fact, she never gives any reason for liking him other than how hot he is, but that's fair because Edward never gives a reason for liking her other than she smells good. He is frustrated that Bella is the only person whose thoughts he can't read, so he eavesdrops on her friends minds to find out what they talk about, he follows her whenever she leaves her house, and he secretly camps outside her room when she sleeps - that doesn't sound sweet, it sounds creepy. If girls want a romantic, conflicted vampire/human romance, they should go watch the firs three seasons of Buffy -- not only is there the dark, mysterious, conflicted vampire, but the girl he's in love with can kick some serious ass all on her own.

  • Sarah
    Feb 27, 2008

    Okay, I have to say that I picked this book up partly due to all the hype (and partly because it's involved two of my favorite genres)... I mean, so many people had recommended it to me and I finally got sick of hearing about it, so I picked it up and read it... or as least

    to.

    Let me first say that I am a

    romance and vampire/supernatural fan, so when I first heard about the book I was really excited to read it because it combined two of my favorite genres.

    But, I really regret ever buy

    Okay, I have to say that I picked this book up partly due to all the hype (and partly because it's involved two of my favorite genres)... I mean, so many people had recommended it to me and I finally got sick of hearing about it, so I picked it up and read it... or as least

    to.

    Let me first say that I am a

    romance and vampire/supernatural fan, so when I first heard about the book I was really excited to read it because it combined two of my favorite genres.

    But, I really regret ever buying and forcing myself to finish it (I hate not finishing books, even if I hate them), it was so bad. Though, let me tell you that I

    wanted to like it, really I did... I'm one of those people who likes a lot of popular things, Twilight was popular, so I figured... I would love it just like everyone else, but I was very,

    wrong.

    A lot of fans wonder why I hate the book so much and here is my list and it's a pretty long one, so get ready:

    1. Lack of characterization:

    Bella- Okay... I absolutely

    this girl. She was the

    female protagonist I have ever read about! She's stupid, shallow, selfish and just plain annoying! Not to mention she's pathetically dependent on Edward... I mean, come on, NO girl should be

    dependent on a boy, not only is that pathetic, but it is

    unhealthy. She was also a clumsy little damsel in distress who was dumb enough to get herself into situations that she couldn't get out of. I would have

    for Meyer to have given her a backbone, so she could have done something useful instead of whining and doing stupid, idiotic things that no remotely intelligent teenage girl would actually do. Not to mention the fact that she is apparently very "plain" looking... if that's the case then why are there several guys fawning over her? (And, according to Meyer, one of them is a teacher... um, ew). Bella is a Mary Sue, simple as that. And I

    Mary Sues.

    Edward- Okay, this boy is just

    too possessive and stalkerish (it is

    romantic of him to sneak into Bella's room and watch her sleep! It's creepy and wrong!) Oh, and "bad boys" usually don't sit there and say "I'm dangerous, stay away" etc. all the time... I also hated the fact that Bella described some part of his body every other page. It was completely UNNECESSARY!! Okay, we get the fact that he's hot, Bella... now MOVE ON!

    I could go on and on about all the characters... every single one of them was a flat, cardboard cut-out that did not seem realistic at all.

    2. Writing style:

    Purple Prose- Ew... to this... seriously, all the purple prose made me want to throw the book across the room. Enough said.

    3. Descriptions:

    I know I said up there that I got sick of reading about how gorgeous some part of Edward's body was every other paragraph... and if that wasn't bad enough... what's worse than is the fact that even with all that unnecessary description of him and everyone else (though mostly him, since Bella is

    shallow) I still had a hard time picturing him or any of the characters in my head, for that matter. I also had a hard time picturing a lot of the setting and the action in my head as well. It's kind of sad really... there was

    much description, you would think that everything (Edward especially) would be embedded into my brain, but no. That's what makes me wonder why so many fans find Edward so "hot", I never got a clear picture of him in my head to even begin to form an opinion about whether he was "hot" or not.

    Seriously, Meyer completely abused the dictionary and the thesaurus while writing this book (so much so that I think she should never be allowed to look at either one ever again)... there are so many big descriptive words used that could be replaced by smaller words that look and sound better. Half the time the words that she does use doesn't really go with what she's trying to say. Simply put: Stephenie Meyer is a moron and doesn't know that when writing you are supposed to use the thesaurus

    (aka: only when it is

    needed and not any time you damn well please), it really ruins everything if it's used too much... as Meyer has perfectly portrayed with this atrocious book.

    4. Plot:

    Okay, the plot gets it's own category because it pissed me off so much. I mean, seriously... where was it?! It was nothing but sappy, gag worthy fluff between Edward and Bella until page 400 or so, when something

    happened. And, even then... it went by so fast and was not explained well at all (since Bella conveniently fainted during it, which is such a cop out). It seemed to me that Meyer just threw it in there, and it was only put there in the first place, so that she could point at it and say, "Look, there's a plot right there.", when people like me came around and said otherwise. But that's not a plot!! The plot should not take 400 pages to start! And no the whole "romance" between Bella and Edward is

    the plot! This is especially the case since we knew from the beginning... thanks to the moronic give away on the back cover that states that Bella and Edward were going to fall in love... speaking of that, who the hell thought it would be a good idea to give away the fact that Edward was a vampire on the back cover?! I mean... really?! That took away any suspense/mystery the book might have had for the reader about what he was... so, while Bella was stupidly wondering what he was, I was sitting there yelling at her for being such a moron and not seeing what was right in front of her.

    5. Plot holes

    The one thing that drove me absolutely CRAZY was the the fact that no one in the small town of Forks noticed that the Cullens

    aged! And the "children" never graduated and went on to college. I mean, if they've been there for more than four years, than I'm assuming that

    would have noticed! I mean, the town could not be full of

    many morons!

    Speaking of school, why in the world would they willingly choose to take high school over and over again? Especially since they all have several college degrees (which leads me to wonder why, since they are so "human loving" they can't do something useful with their education like Carlisle, instead of sitting on their butts all day and just being useless) I know they need to "fit in", but seriously.. . that's just stupid... they could always pretend that they're home schooled (it's not

    uncommon these days). Since that's how the Cullens fit into society, that means they have to move every four or five years to avoid suspicion, right? Wow... that must really suck. However, they wouldn't have to do that if they didn't put the younger ones in school since if they were in the workforce (and being useful to society) then they could stay for a lot longer before people started wondering why they don't age. But, I think I know why Edward and his "siblings" tortured themselves day after day by going to high school... Stephenie Meyer wasn't creative enough to come up with any other way for Edward and Bella to meet. It would have made more sense for them to have been neighbors or something. I can come up with several nice ideas about how that would have turned out and it would have been much better.

    I've been told that there are more, but those are the two that really bugged me. Though, I love the fans response to the mention of any plot hole (the rabid ones, not the sane ones, of course). It usually goes like this: "Well it

    a fictional vampire book." That's a stupid reason. Just because it's a book with vampires doesn't mean it's exempt from having to be realistic and not having glaring plot holes.

    I've also been told that there are even more in later books, but I'm not about to torture myself by reading the rest of the series just to find them and list them... I have better things to do with my time... like reading books that are actually good and not a waste of my time or money.

    6. Vampires

    Like I said before, I'm a big vampire fan. But, this book is an embarrassment to vampire fiction. The vampires are pathetic, sweet, innocent, almost "misunderstood" creatures. I know that Meyer has every right to create her own idea about vampires. And, to be honest, I was okay with her idea about vampires until they started sparkling.

    ! To have them sparkle takes away the evilness of the myth of the creatures (since, they

    creatures of the devil...at least, originally, they were). Evil creatures

    sparkle, the idea's laughable at best. Most normal people are not scared of something that

    . I mean, I know if I saw someone sparkling; I would not immediately think "vampire" and run. Not only because I don't associate sparkling with vampires, but also because how the hell is sparkling evil or scary?! By the way, the whole sparkling vampire idea just seemed to be there because Meyer wanted a reason as to why the vampires could even walk around in the daylight to begin with. The idea was just a convenient way for her to write the vampires. Since, she's incapable of coming up with a better, much more creative idea. I don't mind the fact that they could come out during the day (since that's not unheard of in vampire fiction nowadays), but I wish that Meyer had come up with a better idea that didn't make me laugh uncontrollably at the thought.

    All the other myths about vampires are nonexistent. Holy water and garlic won't bother them (just like the sun), stake through the heart won't kill them either, even beheading them won't get rid of them. She made her vampires practically invincible (which is annoying). The only way to really kill one of her vampires is to rip it apart and burn the pieces or to blow it up. Two things that a human would have a hard time doing... which, makes me wonder why, if they're so invincible, they live in secrecy? Especially since (from my knowledge) most vampires don't live like the Cullens, they could careless about humans. If most other vampires were so cruel, why don't they come out to humanity and take over? It makes a lot more sense since a mere human would have a very difficult time killing just one vampire. The fact that they had no weaknesses annoyed the crap out of me. Along with being almost invincible, they all had these special "powers", but they didn't have the bad side effects with them, only the good. All in all, her vampires were perfect.

    I don't like my vampires to be blood thirsty monsters that kill everything in sight. But, I also don't want them to be so pathetic and innocent either. The only two vampiric qualities that are there are the ones that are well known among everyone: drinking blood (well, sort of since the Cullens are "vegetarian" vampires; an idea that seriously made me laugh) and being immortal. Otherwise, the Cullens are disgustingly human like.

    I think the thing I have the problem with the most is the fact that Meyer has never seen any vampire movies/t.v. shows or read any vampire novels. There's this saying in regards to writing: "Write what you know". Stephenie Meyer knew nothing about vampires when she wrote this horrible excuse for a vampire novel (which is probably why it was so awful in comparison to other vampire novels, whether those books are in the romance section of the bookstore or the horror/sci-fi section). A good author always does their research (whether it's fiction or non-fiction is irrelevant). This doesn't mean that she needed to go by the other myths, it just means that she should have done a little research to see what she was getting herself into. If she had done this, I would have been able to respect her ideas more because at least then she would have done her research.

    Where the vampires are concerned, this novel is an embarrassment to vampire/supernatural fiction.

    7. Messages

    I am somewhat appalled at the messages that this book sends out.. they are so anti-feminist, it's disgusting:

    1. It's perfectly okay to have no goals or aspirations or even an education, just get yourself a man and he'll take care of you.

    2. It's also perfectly okay to like someone because of their physical features... this is not love people, it's lust! They have nothing in common! He likes her because she smells nice and she likes him because he's hot.

    3. When you have several guys fawning over you pick the hottest one of them all because looks are

    very important.

    4. It's okay if the guy you love sneaks into your bedroom and watches you sleep at night (before you even know him all that well)... that's completely normal and romantic... not the the least bit creepy or stalkerish.

    wrong

    5. It is perfectly okay to become completely obsessed with your boyfriend and depend on him for

    .

    6. It also teaches that not only is it okay to change yourself for a guy, but it's also okay to give up EVERYTHING for him as well.

    7. Your life is not complete until you find a man.

    Like with the plot holes, I've been told that there are many more terrible messages in later books and once again, I'm not about to go out and read the books. However, I will say this... from what I've heard, they sound worse than the ones I've already listed.

    8. The Obsession:

    Well, this gets its own category, mostly because I just don't understand what all the obsession is over... it's a book, and a poorly written one at that. I run across girls all the time arguing over who Edward "belongs" to... it's pathetic and kind of scary. He's a book character... he doesn't belong to anyone, but Meyer, since she's the one who created him.

    I also hate the fact that I can't go into the book store now without being bombarded with a huge display dedicated to this crappy series... makes me sick to see such praise and popularity for a mediocre book series when there are so much better authors out there that are virtually ignored since they write real fiction and none of this poorly written wish fulfillment fantasy crap.

    This was obviously a fulfillment story that I would expect a preteen to write on her livejournal. This is not a book I would expect a thirty something year old woman with a college education to write and actually attempt and then succeed in getting published. And, it was a degree in English... seriously, I would have expected

    better from someone who had that degree... since she spent college studying books and analyzing them etc. you would think that she would know how to write one the proper way...

    Meyer could have made this book great, but no... instead she took the easy way out: a cliched, simple, overused plot and added vampires to it(as if that made it any different).

    Honestly, I've read better over on fictionpress.com... and that's really sad, because most of the authors over there are between the ages of 14 and 26 and are amateurs in the field. Maybe, if Meyer had posted this up there first, it would have been a

    better story because the good writers over there would have set her straight. Maybe then, I would have been able to get through the novel, because it might have actually been good!

    And, oh just for the record... Twilight is

    the next Harry Potter, nor is it better than Harry Potter... I say that not only because JK Rowling actually

    talent, but also because they are in completely different genres and can't really be compared.

    Though, it

    make me sick to see Harry Potter even mentioned in the same sentence as this piece of crap... (unfortunately, that couldn't be avoided in this review) and it's an insult to JK Rowling to have her amazing writing compared to the horrible writing of Stephenie Meyer.

    EDIT: I found this site, and thought I should share with everyone:

    The creator of the above site has scanned copies of the Twilight books on to her computer and has taken it upon herself to point out the many issues that the books have (these are mostly grammatical in nature). If you are a fangirl who believes that Twilight is perfect and has no flaws then you should

    take a look at this.

  • Clare
    Apr 29, 2008

    I hate this book. I will probably end up reading the rest of them, because if I don't, people that love this thing will think they can convert me if I just keep reading. (

    Never even remotely bothered to finish the series.)

    In short: the writing mechanics are

    The dialogue is stilted and absolutely wretched. The characterization is bad-- loose, jumpy, and the progression is occasionally senseless. The main characters themselves are not compelling: selfish, shallow, lacki

    I hate this book. I will probably end up reading the rest of them, because if I don't, people that love this thing will think they can convert me if I just keep reading. (

    Never even remotely bothered to finish the series.)

    In short: the writing mechanics are

    The dialogue is stilted and absolutely wretched. The characterization is bad-- loose, jumpy, and the progression is occasionally senseless. The main characters themselves are not compelling: selfish, shallow, lacking the deep thought that comes with true passion and love and instead leaping recklessly into stupid and deadly situations when anyone with a brain could see sixty other possibilities that should have been tried first.

    I can't express my disgust for the relationship between Edward and Bella. It's not romance, it's not passion, it's not love. It's selfish idiocy at best. Bella as a character is insufferable: her self-sacrificing streak is not compassion, it's sheer stupidity. It's hormones. It's a bad, bad example for the teenage girls who read it. Bella's whole life is tied up in her boyfriend. She has no goals, passions, ambitions, or dreams besides wanting to be with Edward, who could kill her.

    Edward's element of danger is occasionally compelling, but it's totally overshadowed by the fact that Bella is completely oblivious to it. She doesn't fear him at all, and that doesn't come off like love: once again, it comes off as total stupidity.

    Edward. What can I say about Edward. There is nothing lovable about him except that he is apparently the most beautiful thing in existence. He's selfish: he stays near Bella when he knows he could lose control and kill her at any second. He's a creepy stalker: he watches her while she sleeps, before she even really knows him. He's volatile: his mood swings are insane and ridiculous. He's immature: for someone who's been alive for a hundred years, he doesn't seem to have gained much experience. He's controlling: he doesn't want to let her out of his sight for two seconds. (Granted, she's dumb enough to get herself killed if he does.) He's insulting: he treats Bella like an incapable, silly little girl. (Which he's right to, but I digress. It's still insulting.)

    I understand that Bella's smell and that Bella herself are irresistible to him. But if he wanted the best for her, he'd stay away from her, period, the end. The story is stupid, the love story is bad, and if that's what Stephenie Meyer is preaching to teenage girls, I think it's pretty questionable. It's not just "a fun read". There are girls out there who want to be Bella and who want to find an Edward.

    Anyway.

    I think I might enjoy the story a lot more if Bella's idiot head was not the one I had to spend time in while reading it. If I had to read one more description of how beautiful Edward is, I was going to choke a kitten. If it had focused more on the vampire family I would have been a lot more willing to forgive its faults. I thought Carlisle's and Alice's stories were really compelling, and Edward was finally accessible to me when he talked about Carlisle turning him into a vampire and how his family came to be formed, his life before Bella, etc. Some aspects of the vampirism were truly awesome: I found the idea that vampires can never sleep completely terrifying. That they never, ever get a break and never, ever get to rest... that is a wonderful and ghastly idea.

    Entirely overshadowed by their flowery breath and the fact that they

    Mothereffing ridiculous.

    This is hardly the tip of the iceberg, but I'm trying to spare you at least a little.

  • James
    Jul 06, 2008

    It turns out we don't need Dr. John Gray to tell us that men are from Transylvania and women are from Venus. We just need to read Stephenie Meyer books. For example, from this book we learn that the millions of women who have wolfed down the Twilight series (pun intended) want men who:

    Either Meyer's husband is the single-most communicative male on the planet and she doesn't realize how unusual he is, or she, like most of her female readers, is using her fiction to i

    It turns out we don't need Dr. John Gray to tell us that men are from Transylvania and women are from Venus. We just need to read Stephenie Meyer books. For example, from this book we learn that the millions of women who have wolfed down the Twilight series (pun intended) want men who:

    Either Meyer's husband is the single-most communicative male on the planet and she doesn't realize how unusual he is, or she, like most of her female readers, is using her fiction to imagine a world where men not only have deep emotions but want to admit to having them and talk about them over and over, articulating even the most subtle of their internal dramas.

    But just being a sensitive new-age kind of guy doesn't cut it. A man has to be hard-bodied, chiseled, dashing, and have eyes that pierce the soul, if not the skin (even as they never look at your chest). This book suggests that a real man makes you constantly stumble over your words, bite your lip to refrain from exclaiming adulations, and lose yourself in the sweet smell of his breath.

    That a girl of no spectacular beauty, who lacks any trace of conversation skills -- whose only virtue is that she smells really yummy -- can inspire an immortal creature of godlike power and grace to alter his entire existence to serve and protect her, watching over her by night (more on that in #4). This is a woman's ultimate fantasy -- to have the perfect man, perfectly devoted, for no good reason at all.

    This, alas, is the most transparent aspect of this book's appeal. It speaks volumes about the differences between men and women to have so many women toss their bodice-ripping romances aside in order to read how a feral man with otherworldly physical desires can contain his passion and lust out of his pure and perfect love for his beloved. It says that women really do wish they could have it both ways, to be an object of lust and devotion at once, to fulfill a man's desire without actually slaking his thirst for her. To have a man watch you sleep and not want to have even a little peek under the covers -- now that's hot fantasy for today's woman who is otherwise told on a regular basis that to be her best self she has to enage in casual and risky sexual behavior.

    To see just what an indulgent fantasy this book is, just imagine the male-centric version of Twilight, in which a troubled teen boy moves to a small town to find the hottest girl in town is a vampiress. Such a book would be about 100 pages long (all the unnecessary internal dialogue would be removed). No one would talk except to comment on the awesome size of, um, one's videogame library. The vampiress would be simple: relatively dumb, incredibly hot, wearing almost nothing, and with no expectations of her man but drawn to him only by the smell of his gym bag. She wouldn't hold herself back from trying to bite her intended, but would get so distracted with his bedroom technique that she would never get around to it.

    We would laugh at such a book (in fact, we know it would never be a book since men don't read; it would be a movie, and it would be a smash summer hit called American Vam-Pie-er, I'll start the screenplay right away). Somehow, when this story is told in a similarly indulgent female-centric vein, we don't reject it, but sympathize with it. I believe this is because women get to indulge in their fantasies so rarely outside of Jane Austen novels while men are surrounded with theirs. So far I have yet see spam email inviting one to "read hot things devoted husbands would say to their wives" or "see pictures of hunks promising not to get nasty out of respect for their women" or "buy this purple pill so you can stay up late and share your feelings -- seven times in one night!." So hats off to Stephenie Meyer for figuring out what it is that women really want and giving it to them.

  • brian
    Dec 02, 2009

    my name is bella. bella swan. here's what stephenie didn't tell you. it's super-duper-important.

    on the morning after it rained, it was rainy outside and i frowned at it being so rainy all the time. i chuckled to myself, darn weather! i stared at the rain outside, which is where they usually keep the rain. there was never any rain in phoenix. i love phoenix. i hate rain.

    i tripped over a large air pocket on my bedroom floor and bashed my skull into the corner of my bookcase, which had three shelv

    my name is bella. bella swan. here's what stephenie didn't tell you. it's super-duper-important.

    on the morning after it rained, it was rainy outside and i frowned at it being so rainy all the time. i chuckled to myself, darn weather! i stared at the rain outside, which is where they usually keep the rain. there was never any rain in phoenix. i love phoenix. i hate rain.

    i tripped over a large air pocket on my bedroom floor and bashed my skull into the corner of my bookcase, which had three shelves and was faux wood veneer. after i applied cold compresses and stanched most of the bleeding, i drove to school, but they must have moved the school building across town. i chuckled to myself, darn school moving people!

    after i drove around for a few hours looking for where they put the building, edward cullen pulled up alongside me in his shiny, silver volvo, which was silver and a saab, i think. his well-muscled chest was riding shotgun, wearing a blue-gray waffle knit long-sleeved t-shirt, relaxed fit jeans with contrast stitching in a lightly distressed wash, and an ivory-colored jacket made from the dyed skins of clubbed baby seals. he dressed very well, like someone who wears nice clothes.

    his well-muscled chest waved to me like an old friend, but edward glowered at me from the driver's seat. his eyes were black. i think he came down with glaucoma.

    even though he glared at me and gave me the finger, he smiled and told me to follow him to school. he knew where they kept it. i wonder how he found out. but just then, i nearly tripped over my gas pedal and fell through the windshield. i am so clumsy. when we got to school, edward's well-muscled chest walked me to english class.

    "try to be careful in there," the chest giggled while at the same time giving me a sinister sideward glance that made the blood in the veins under my skin in my body feel ice-cold.

    "haha," i giggled, tapping the chest on its rippling pectorals. "very funny," i then said running my finger around his kennedy-half-dollar sized nipples. "i'll try to be careful," i joked, alarmed at the unearthly chill emitted by his taut obliques.

    everyone stared at us in the hallway, which was a long interior space allowing access to various doors. the students were wearing clothes and talking and carrying books. through the windows of the classroom which looked onto the out-of-doors, i could see the rain was still raining outside. then i tripped over my clitoris and fell into a galvanized steel av cart on casters. three people were seriously injured.

    i chuckled and turn bright red. how embarrassing.

    at the end of the school day edward cullen came to walk me to my car. his chest was nowhere to be seen. probably at banana republic or out hunting mountain lions again. i chuckled to myself, darn chest!

    "where's my car?" i giggled after chuckling for a while.

    "don't you remember that you totaled it this morning when you drove into the orphan's hospital?" he said. he was looking at me with his eyes. he gave me his ivory jacket to keep me dry from the rain, which is usually very wet. then he looked at me again, smiling with the right half of his mouth but frowning with the left half of his mouth and oddly expressionless in the middle part of his mouth.

    "you know," i said, falling over a parking bumper into a rack of bicycles, "rain isn't the only thing there is that gets me wet."

    "let's just be friends," he hissed, arching an eyebrow, flexing his sinewy wrists, and flaring his beautiful muscular nostrils.

    i realized then he might be a vampire. or really gay. or a really gay vampire.

    i should have known. he had erasure cassettes in the car.

  • Steph Sinclair
    Mar 10, 2011

    Actual rating: 1.5 stars. Believe it or not, there are actually a few books that are worse than

    .

    Ok, funny story. I was sitting on my couch with my husband last night finishing up

    . I slammed the book shut and began rubbing my temples. Then, my husband goes, "So you finally finished, huh?" "Yes. I can't believe I used to like this book," I said. "Hahaha! Yeah, I remember you were on Twilight's

    ." Yeah, yeah, yeah...

    There isn't a single book on my shelf that has fluctuat

    Actual rating: 1.5 stars. Believe it or not, there are actually a few books that are worse than

    .

    Ok, funny story. I was sitting on my couch with my husband last night finishing up

    . I slammed the book shut and began rubbing my temples. Then, my husband goes, "So you finally finished, huh?" "Yes. I can't believe I used to like this book," I said. "Hahaha! Yeah, I remember you were on Twilight's

    ." Yeah, yeah, yeah...

    There isn't a single book on my shelf that has fluctuated between all ratings besides

    . No, your eyes do not deceive you. I actually have read Twilight 4 times. I used to hail from Shelfari.com and the first rating I ever gave

    was 5 stars. After I made the switch to GoodReads, I decided to give it 4 stars instead. So, recently I was browsing my GoodReads shelf (I often do that to clean up ratings), I noticed

    was sitting pretty at 4 stars and was on my "favorites" shelf. At the time I thought, "Wow, that's not accurate at all. Maybe it deserves 3 stars?" But I quickly decided, no, no, no...I'll just do a fun little project and re-read the series and give them all better ratings. If your curious about the details of the project, stop on over here:

    . And hey, if you like what you see, won't you subscribe? Yes? /end shameless self promotion.

    The coolest thing about re-reading

    is that it has caused me to create really cool new shelves such as:

    "Kill me now"

    "Idiot heroine"

    "This is *not* literature"

    And my personal favorite: "Where's my chocolate?"

    One of the first things I noticed during this re-read was how incredibly boring it was. Bella is dull as a doorknob. And the first few chapters of the book are essentially a 'Bitch, Moan, Complain' session. So, we have Bella moving to Forks, WA because she wants her mother to be happy (more on that later). And she's all like, "Ohhhh, I hate this place. It's green. Ewww, it's wet. Fuck my life." And what's one of the first things Bella does when she arrives in Forks? She cooks Charlie dinner.

    No, I don't have an issue with a female character enjoying cooking, but it is practically thrown in my face that Charlie can't fend for himself; Bella has to cook. Well, what the hell was he doing before she arrived?! Oh, ya, did anyone else realize that despite the fact that she says she is not allowed to call Charlie by his first name; she almost always calls him Charlie? WTF.

    Bella goes to school and during lunch she first cast her eyes on the Cullen family.

    Her next period happens to be Biology (because that's where you'd meet a vampire, right?) and as she walks past the fan Edward goes:

    And she's like, "WTF. Do I smell?" Little does she know that Eddie just wants to devourer her little, ivory skinned ass. His reaction is so off-putting that she cries when she gets back to her truck. All because Eddie doesn't like her. Who the hell cares, Bella? Conceded much? Get over yourself. But no, she just obsesses with it.

    Meanwhile, poor Mike is trying to put the moves on Bella and invites her to a beach trip. Speaking of the beach trip, here is something the editors should have picked up on. When the beach trip is first brought up it's supposed to be happening in two weeks. But, as Bella goes on and on about nothing in particular, a few pages later she mentions

    Wait, what? Anyone notice something? Six weeks have passed and the beach trip is where? Not only that, but the girl's choice dance was also two weeks away and here six weeks have passed...

    Anyway, moving on. Some random shit happens causing Edward to swoop in and save danger prone Bella. The worst thing about

    is how incredibly dependent Bella is on Edward. When she's not with him, she is always thinking about him. And that doesn’t make any sense. She barely knows him. They've had like two or three conversations and she has thoughts like:

    And then, because Edward must always prove to Bella that he loves her more than she loves him, he pulls this line:

    Are you kidding me? This is not love. But how could it be, with Edward torn between eating her and making out with her? Edward is a controlling creepy creeper. He had been watching her sleep for weeks before they started talking! Meyer are you condoning stalkish behavior?!

    Not.Fucking.Cool.

    I once read that Stephenie Meyer had a dream and that is how

    was born. She says she actually started writing from chapter 13 (The Meadow) to the ending.

    Then, she went back and wrote the first half. It totally shows. While it's true the entire book is a shit storm in action, the second half is noticeably worse. The first half can easily be summed up as "Bella's Bitch Fest meets Creep-ward" and believe me when I say, it's really not as bad as the second half. How is that even possible? I have no idea, but Meyer pulls that shit off flawlessly. And ya know? I have a theory on that. Because Meyer had a dream about Bella and Edward and their 'true love' and she went to work on the second half before the first, there is all this raw emotions, strange pet names, and banter that's supposed to be romantic but fails miserably. I just felt terribly uncomfortable reading it. And to top it all off, it was so

    , like, eye bleeding bad! It made me so angry I actually pulled out a pen and started marking this damn book up. Don't believe me? LMAO, seriously folks, I took notes. Feast your eyes on my personal copy of

    .

    I've also noticed a trend with Meyer. She doesn't write fight scenes. There was a huge build up for a fight with James and we see nothing of the fight. Bella is informed of what happened after the fact. Good job, Stephenie. You totally ripped off your readers there. So, Carlisle is sitting there fixing up Bella on the ground (and he randomly has Morphine, by the way -_-) and Bella is in the process of passing out. But first, Carlisle has a little conversation about Bella's mom and she somehow finds the will to mention to Alice what she knows about James. Like, really? Go to sleep Bella. You talk too much.

    I won't bore you with the details of the ending. I'm sure you already know. But I do want to say that Bella's mother is the most selfish character (next to Bella, of course). First she ships her off to Forks so she could be with her new husband. And no, do not tell me Bella chose to do that. Renee is the parent and it's *her* job to make sacrifices. Then, when Bella is in the hospital after the fight with James, she acts like she can't be bothered to stay with Bella.

    Really?? Really, Renee?! Your daughter almost died and you are seriously acting like this? Un-fucking-believable. Oh, but this shit gets better:

    Huh? Do you want a cookie for that? It's your job!

    And what does she think Edward and Bella are going to do? She has a broken leg, broken ribs, and cracks in her skull. C'mon now!

    Then Edward takes Bella to prom, he kisses her neck. The fucking end.

    Would I recommend this? Bahahahahahah! You're shitting me, right? I'm about to go do this to my bookshelf:

    But I'll tell you what I recommend. I recommend we all do this to our copies of Toilette.

    Amen.

    Continue on with the madness with my review of

    and

    .

    I love bonuses! They are so much fun! Have you seen the Twilight parody by The Hillywood Show? No?! Go watch now!!

    Twilight:

    New Moon:

    Eclipse:

    I personally love the Eclipse one.

    More reviews and more at

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  • Jared Vincent Lacaran
    Sep 15, 2011

    Words need not be said.

    ©


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