Fifty Shades Freed by E.L. James

Fifty Shades Freed

When unworldly student Anastasia Steele first encountered the driven and dazzling young entrepreneur Christian Grey it sparked a sensual affair that changed both of their lives irrevocably. Shocked, intrigued, and, ultimately, repelled by Christian’s singular erotic tastes, Ana demands a deeper commitment. Determined to keep her, Christian agrees.Now, Ana and Christian hav...

Title:Fifty Shades Freed
Author:
Rating:
ISBN:0345803507
Edition Language:English
Format Type:Paperback
Number of Pages:579 pages

Fifty Shades Freed Reviews

  • Tammy Walton Grant
    Oct 16, 2011

    Sometimes you can just have too much of a good thing.

    I believe one of my GR friends called this book an "exhausting melodramatic hot mess." (Thanks, Amy!) After having stayed awake until 3:00am to try to push through said mess, I would have to agree.

    I really wanted to love this book. When I read Fifty Shades of Grey I was mesmerized - I'd never read anything like it. The story stuck with me for days, and I immediately bought the second book and it was much the same thing. There were little hin

    Sometimes you can just have too much of a good thing.

    I believe one of my GR friends called this book an "exhausting melodramatic hot mess." (Thanks, Amy!) After having stayed awake until 3:00am to try to push through said mess, I would have to agree.

    I really wanted to love this book. When I read Fifty Shades of Grey I was mesmerized - I'd never read anything like it. The story stuck with me for days, and I immediately bought the second book and it was much the same thing. There were little hints of things that bothered me in the second book - I have a pretty visceral reaction to people in a relationship using the words "let" (as in "he let me go out") and the second book was peppered with these. In the first book, Christian was a Dom, and I expected that from him. In the second book Christian had ostensibly let go of that life, and was struggling to let go of his issues with control. In this book, he seemed to me to be just an insecure overbearing asshole, who used sex to distract Ana and get her to do what he wanted. You know how in some cultures they say they put women on a pedestal, which amounts to stripping them of the ability to express an opinion, to have a say, to be told what's going on and eventually they can't leave the house? That's what Christian reminded me of. "Oh, I'm so worried about you, I love you so much, I can't bear to have you out of my sight, don't go to work, it's because I love you so much, you are my whole world, and if you do I'll buy the company and bankrupt it so you won't have a job to go to. But it's because I love you so much and I'm so afraid something will happen to you." Shudders. I just wasn't ok with it in this book.

    (eta: And the hickey thing when they were on their honeymoon???? Juvenile, petty, mean, vindictive. I hated it. I would have fucking

    him.)

    Fifty's possessiveness, aggressiveness and control issues were getting pretty old by the middle of this story. Watching Ana run around constantly trying to discern if he was angry with her, and changing her behaviour to fit his moods was much worse in this book than the second -- what was vaguely unsettling in Fifty Shades Darker became downright disturbing in Fifty Shades Freed. I should do a Kindle search for "please don't be mad at me". Together with "Holy Fuck" and "I love this man" they make up a good portion of the book.

    And Ana didn't sit much better with me this time around, either. Her voice as narrator, which resonated so much with me in the first 2 books, grated on me this time. Other reviews complained of how immature she sounds; I finally agree. Frankly, I got tired of hearing how much she "loved this man", this "beautiful man", her husband, her Fifty. It seemed to me that after 2 books of hearing how she can't believe someone that physically beautiful could love her that it would be toned down a bit. To me, it seemed to have been cranked up even higher in this book. She doesn't say it to herself as much as she did, but her actions and her words and even the way she thinks of Christian screams it.

    ("Ohferchrissakes," I remember thinking. "You let him shave your snatch but you won't PEE in front of him? How do you ever expect to build a marriage with him?")

    It all seemed so over the top, almost hokey, all surface declarations of this all-consuming passionate love and I wasn't really buying it this time around. They both seemed desperate, and for each step they took forward, they slid backwards twice as far.

    The epilogue and the HEA were nice, but I felt like it could easily have been an add-on to the second book and we could have skipped this one entirely.

    Damn, this could easily turn into a rant. Me stop now.

    Barely 3 stars -- the cover rounded up the 2.5 I would have given it otherwise.

  • Morgan
    Oct 18, 2011

    ***EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT. THIS IS AN ADULT BOOK. PLEASE DON’T READ THIS REVIEW UNLESS YOU ARE AN ADULT***

    Fifty, Fifty, Fifty. I can’t get enough Fifty.

    I have read a lot of mixed reviews for Fifty Shades Freed, the third novel in the Fifty Shades trilogy. This is my response: Fifty Shades Freed was EXCELLENT. How can anyone complain about more Fifty?

    Reading this novel was a bittersweet experience. I couldn’t get enough; I wa

    ***EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT. THIS IS AN ADULT BOOK. PLEASE DON’T READ THIS REVIEW UNLESS YOU ARE AN ADULT***

    Fifty, Fifty, Fifty. I can’t get enough Fifty.

    I have read a lot of mixed reviews for Fifty Shades Freed, the third novel in the Fifty Shades trilogy. This is my response: Fifty Shades Freed was EXCELLENT. How can anyone complain about more Fifty?

    Reading this novel was a bittersweet experience. I couldn’t get enough; I wanted to rush through this entire novel and absorb it all as quickly as possible. On the other hand, I wanted to take my sweet time and drag things out because I never wanted it to end. I’m devastated that this series wrapped up, and I have hopes (fingers crossed) that this won’t be the last we see of Christian Grey. I could read about Christian and Ana forever. (Christian may be the perfect man to star in a never-ending series. He seems to have enough issues. LOL)

    Christian and Ana make a lot of progress in this novel, but they also suffer a few setbacks. I thought both their progress and their setbacks were moving and realistic. Christian is still the same bossy, domineering man that we all love, and their sex is still just as kinky and hot as ever. This novel also had the added element of suspense. The “bad guy” storyline was intriguing and entertaining; it really added to the novel. In this novel, we also discover more about Christians past and see more growth and development in his character. Oh, and don’t forget about Ana’s inner goddess and her subconscious; they are back and just as hilarious as before. I enjoyed this novel – beginning, middle, and end. And, I absolutely adored the epilogue and the bonus chapters at the end!!!

    E.L. James - Thank you so much for writing this hot, crazy, mind-blowing story! It has been an absolute pleasure reading Ana and Christian’s love story.

    The Fifty Shades trilogy is UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLY GOOD!

    This series is HILARIOUS. Ana and Christian’s playful emails and witty banter are hysterical and entertaining. Christian’s domineering side is amusing, and, Ana’s inner goddess and subconscious are, like I’ve said before, the best things ever! This series is guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.

    This series is HOT! This erotic series pushes the envelope. I strongly recommend this series to everyone who thinks they can handle some kinky fuckery! By kinky fuckery, I mean an introduction into the world of BDSM – floggers, handcuffs, blindfolds, cable ties, D/s relationships, and a whole lot more.

    I gave Fifty Shades Freed by E.L. James 5 STARS. I look forward to re-reading this series over and over in the future, and I can’t wait to see what Ms. James comes out with next. Can you top Fifty? I just don’t see that happening, but hey, I never thought I’d read and love a BDSM novel either. Never say never!

    PS: I absolutely adored the bonus chapters from Christian’s perspective at the end. It was a wonderful treat.

    PSS: Ms. James concludes an excerpt from Fifty Shades of Grey in Christian’s perspective with, “That’s all…for now.” Is she thinking about writing this trilogy from Christian’s perspective? Hmm…

    -XOXO

  • Suzanne (Under the Covers Book blog)
    Nov 06, 2011

    Okay, don't hurt me, I know there are a lot of Christian Grey fans out there, unfortunately I am just not one of them.

    This is the third and final installment of the Fifty Shades trilogy, Ana and Christian are now married and are set to live a long and happy life, or are they? With some body out there threatening them and Christian's own fucked up past, wedded bliss maybe but a dream.

    Although I am not the biggest fan of the other books, I did find them strangely addicting and was quite looking f

    Okay, don't hurt me, I know there are a lot of Christian Grey fans out there, unfortunately I am just not one of them.

    This is the third and final installment of the Fifty Shades trilogy, Ana and Christian are now married and are set to live a long and happy life, or are they? With some body out there threatening them and Christian's own fucked up past, wedded bliss maybe but a dream.

    Although I am not the biggest fan of the other books, I did find them strangely addicting and was quite looking forward to

    but I am very disappointed. I expected so much more. For me the book went like this:

    I am going out for some milk Christian! See you in 5!

    NO, STAY! MINE! Why are you abandoning me for milk, I KNEW I was unworthy of love. STAY!

    It is not that I am abandoning you for milk, we have just run out, you know I love you *gives soulful look*

    MINE STAY! It is dangerous..*looks away*...What would I do without you? *looks vulnerable*

    My poor Fifty! Oh Mr. Grey, you know I would never leave you...this is about your birth mother isn't it? She never got you milk.

    It is simply too dangerous you are MINE MINE MINE! Now Mrs Grey come here, I want to use sex to avoid talking about our problems Mrs Grey.

    Oh okay...you know I would never refuse you Mr Grey.

    *looks down at her cereal* I knew I should have gotten some milk.

    ~~~~~~~

    I found the whole thing repeatative, and Ana and Christian continued to irritate me more and more as I read the book, she would do something any normal girl would do; he would go psycho about it; she would cave; they have sex; he gets his way. It drove me nuts.

    I guess the two stars that I have given it are for the sex scenes themselves, they were hot, although I did start to get bored of them about half way through the book. It seems instead of giving

    a plot, it has just been filled out with sex.

    I don't normally give such negative reviews and I try to say something positive, something that I liked, but I have found it hard for this book. But, I know alot of people, including my friends have loved it and would gleefully takes Ana's place if they could...just please, please cross me off that list!

  • Anastasia
    Jan 07, 2012

    *Sigh* So bummed the series is over. Ana and Christian's character evolution throughout the trilogy is unlike any I've ever seen. She started off as a naive, shy college student, while Christian (AKA Fifty) was a cold, aggressive businessman. By the end of

    , not only are they closer to one another, but they're also more confident in themselves.

    In the final installment of the Fifty Shades series, Ana and Christian are married, but that doesn't mean that it's all roses and sunsh

    *Sigh* So bummed the series is over. Ana and Christian's character evolution throughout the trilogy is unlike any I've ever seen. She started off as a naive, shy college student, while Christian (AKA Fifty) was a cold, aggressive businessman. By the end of

    , not only are they closer to one another, but they're also more confident in themselves.

    In the final installment of the Fifty Shades series, Ana and Christian are married, but that doesn't mean that it's all roses and sunshine for the happy couple. Not only is there the mystery of trying to find out who's trying to kill them -- the suspense definitely has its heart-pounding moments -- but the newlyweds are also adjusting to married life and learning even more about each other. There's more than just nail-biting suspense, though. Of course there's also plenty of spicy bits to go around -- I mean, c'mon, Christian was a Dom when he first met Ana. Of course their bedroom (and other room) scenes are going to sizzle! But their sexual interactions are beautifully interwoven with humorous and somber plot points, character arcs, and the infamous email exchange between Ana and Christian (love those!).

    After reading

    , I kept trying to decide which of the three books I loved best. After thoughtful deliberation, I honestly could not come up with a favorite because I love them ALL. So much so that gray may be my new favorite color. Kidding... sort of.

    *I received

    as a complimentary copy for review from the publisher.

  • Shelly
    Mar 25, 2012

    By now, I'm not entirely sure what to say about this book. Aside from now Ana and Christian are now married, travel to fantastic places for their honeymoon and someone is still trying to do both of them harm, not much has changed. I'm really tired of Christian's over-protectiveness, fast. It's beyond annoying and he's no where near as sexy now as I thought he was in the beginning.

    I can't understand why anyone would think Christian's behavior is sexy. Troubled? Tortured? Stalkerish? Childish? He

    By now, I'm not entirely sure what to say about this book. Aside from now Ana and Christian are now married, travel to fantastic places for their honeymoon and someone is still trying to do both of them harm, not much has changed. I'm really tired of Christian's over-protectiveness, fast. It's beyond annoying and he's no where near as sexy now as I thought he was in the beginning.

    I can't understand why anyone would think Christian's behavior is sexy. Troubled? Tortured? Stalkerish? Childish? Hell yes. Sexy? Not unless you like to be told what to do, when to do it, how to do, even have it done for you - ALL. THE. TIME.

    Nothing gets resolved, Christian is still overbearing, and Ana still takes it. In many different ways, but even that gets really old. I was ready to give up and didn't care what happened to anyone in the story at all.

    I guess it's a good thing I didn't. The last quarter of the book was really good, I mean like different book good. Stuff happens, change of pace, even change of characters! It's like Ana and Christian

    become the terrific couple we thought they could become in the first book. I won't give too much away, but Christian becomes likable again, and Ana tolerable.

    This really should have been just one book, and only one! Seriously, with some good editing, cutting of tons of unnecessary crap and a little restructuring, this would have been an awesome ★★★★★ book! But the author, editors and publishers must have gotten greedy or lazy. Or both, I'm gonna go with both. First, $9.99 per ebook is just ridiculous (and yet I bought all 3, so I guess I'm just as stupid). No excuse for it, especially for a first time author. Second, for $9.99 - it better be pretty f*cking flawless, and none of them are. A few words here and there that totally take me out of the story (During a sex scene, Ana runs her hands across Christian's clavicles. Because that sounds erotic as hell. What? Shoulder blades too common for you?) Several times I caught myself trying to figure out the choreography (Her back is to him, he's touching her in all the right places and she's admiring his boyish grin, or something along those lines. No mirror in the room, no mention of her turning around, but she can see his mouth? Bad choreography, bad editing.) And I'm not sure what they're called, but those weird boxes that show up in the middle of words, when you know it's a software thing, a comma or apostrophe didn't translate or something - plenty of those here. If I'm paying $9.99 for an ebook, these, at the very least, should not be there. Unacceptable.

    And I understand re-using certain words and phrases throughout a book, it can drive a point home, reconnect you with a certain feeling the author wants to convey, even be funny or sweet, reveal something. Once or twice, I'm not going to complain. Hell, I may not even notice! Twenty million times across 3 way too long books, I'm gonna be bored, angry you're wasting so much time and space on inane words, and just plain sick of it.

    There's tons more, but I think you can get the point.

    Also, this still feels a lot like fan fiction. This book really reminds me

    , in that like Bella, Ana really and finally comes into her own and takes some control in her life. They both save the day at the ends of their books, rescuing all they love, no longer needing the men in their lives to save them. Even though the men still want too.

    If you've read the first two, and are feeling a little tired of all the junk, skim this one until the last quarter. You won't miss too much, but the end brings the series to a better than expected close. And it won't take you forever and a week to finish it. If you've not read any of the books yet, don't. Or at least borrow them. Really, there is better stuff out there, don't rush.

  • Francine
    May 04, 2012

    Things I have learned while reading the Fifty Shades series:

    a. Stalking is good. (No, really...stalking is acceptable behavior!

    )

    b. Being controlled is a turn on. (Free will? Freedom? Why would I want that? I want someone to control me! Well, sometimes, at least...because you know...there are

    to being controlled. See below.)

    c. If you have low self-esteem, it's perfectly okay to lose your virginity to a stalker, uber-controlling guy who gets off on kinky-f*ckery. Because, you

    Things I have learned while reading the Fifty Shades series:

    a. Stalking is good. (No, really...stalking is acceptable behavior!

    )

    b. Being controlled is a turn on. (Free will? Freedom? Why would I want that? I want someone to control me! Well, sometimes, at least...because you know...there are

    to being controlled. See below.)

    c. If you have low self-esteem, it's perfectly okay to lose your virginity to a stalker, uber-controlling guy who gets off on kinky-f*ckery. Because, you know, you knew he was into kinky f*ckery (Ana's words, not mine!). You knew he didn't want the hearts and flowers and vanilla sex. And you know this because...well, you know...you embarked on this relationship after having signed a non-disclosure agreement regarding your relationship with said stalker-uber-control-freak,

    after you've studied a contract regarding his kinky f*ckery and what he would do to you as his submissive. So you can't say that you didn't know what you were getting yourself into.

    d. Once you've lost yourself to said stalker-uber-control-freak, it's okay to solve all your problems (and there will be many, mind you, starting with the fact that this guy you're having a relationship with is such a control freak

    a stalker)...but I digress...it's okay to solve all your problems with never-ending-mind-blowing-kinky-f*ckery multiple times a day, every day. And the more problems and fights you have, the better. Because he gets off on when you're bad and you get off on his kinky f*ckery! And because by now, you realize that sex solves everything! That's the one thing you two have in common! You revel in it. Even if everything about you is being controlled such as what you eat, where you go, who you see, what you do, it's all okay! Kinky f*ckery solves

    that lost freedom you once knew and enjoyed. And the best part? Everything's good because you've got a stalker-uber-control-freak who has accepted that you will

    be a submissive. He worships the ground you walk on and loves you and can't live without you! (Psst...guess what...I think he's got lower self-esteem than you do! What's that? You think you're perfect for each other? Wow...I never would've seen

    coming!)

    e. And if you're bad (e.g., you decide to visit with your friend, your mom, go to work, or heaven forbid, skip a meal), you

    be found. He will show up wherever you are, even if you're on the opposite end of the country. And you will be punished. Harshly. With never-ending-mind-blowing kinky f*ckery. And with spanking (for those small offenses), flogging or whipping (for slightly larger offenses), or if you were really bad, you will be tortured with a vibrator and will

    be allowed to have an orgasm. (Ummm...okay...) Oh wait...sorry...that wasn't the worst. If you're really, really bad, as in you go topless in a nude beach in Italy, your wrists will be handcuffed to your ankles and you will be "tortured" with more kinky f*ckery, which will inevitably leave you with chafed wrists and ankles as well as hickies, bruises and bite marks all over your torso, from your neck down, so that you can no longer wear a bikini. You have been marked. As the property of one stalker-uber-control-freak. So let that be a lesson to you.

    f. But if you were said low-self-esteemed-innocent girl, then you will be okay with it all. Because you

    the stalker-uber-control-freak. Warts and all. And isn't that what love is all about anyway? Looking past someone's faults and accepting them, and losing yourself in them, and trying to forge through all that pain and angst together? Because you two together can do anything? Right? That's what it's all about, right? And you will save him. From himself. From his sad, forlorn, horrible, abused past. From the pedophile who turned him onto BDSM. From all the craziness that is in him. You are his Messiah. You will free him of all that ails him. You are strong enough for the both of you. You have achieved a demented Goddess complex. You will agree to marrying him, even though you've only known him less than two months because you know that you two are yin and yang. You complete each other. He had you at "Hello."

    g. And it will all be okay, because said stalker-uber-control-freak will give you an Audi A3, a Saab, an Audi R8, a laptop, an iPad, a Blackberry, 3 (count 'em, 3!) first editions of

    (because one wasn't enough), a closet full of designer clothing

    a multimillion dollar house. Oh, did I mention that he will also buy the company that you work for, so that he can

    you, what you do and who you work with? No? Well, stalker-uber-control-freak will definitely buy your company.

    h. After all that, not to mention the mind blowing kinky f*ckery, why, you have no recourse but to marry the guy! Otherwise, you'd just be ungrateful. And because you know that your life would lose all meaning without him, and his would be a dark chasmic miasma without you. (I know, I know...you're perfect for each other! You already said that. Shhh!) So you will accept his offer of marriage. You will accept him, warts and all (which includes all his baggage). Which will, of course, include one (or all) of the following: blackmail, BDSM pedophilia, the Red Room of Pain, arson, kidnapping, breaking and entering, stalker ex-girlfriends who stalk you/watch you while you sleep/point a gun at you, women who want your man, sexual harassment by your boss, multiple car chases, spying, 24/7 security, a helicopter crash, psychiatric evaluations, intense mother-hatred, extreme jealousy, heart attacks, unwanted pregnancies...phew, I'm exhausted.

    The list is exhaustive.

    Boy, am I glad I read this series. Because now I know what I've been missing! Silly me, to think that my life has been pretty good thus far. *shakes head* I need to ditch my all-too-vanilla hubby and find a stalker-uber-control-freak who will demean me and control me and make me a billionaire and repay me with never-ending-mind-blowing kinky f*ckery and absolute, all-encompassing (read: stifling, suffocating, totally unhealthy) love. Because that's why this series is so popular right?

    *shakes head*

    Ugh.

  • Katrina Passick Lumsden
    Jun 12, 2012

    Welcome back, fellow masochists (or those of you who simply wish to forgo the hassle of reading this crap and opt for my poignant reviews instead). I wish I could say

    met my expectations, but...well, honestly, I don't know

    the fuck that was. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to think. The only thing I know is that, usually after finishing a trilogy/series, I'm lost. My brothers end up finding me curled up in a ball somewhere and they laugh and call me names, mos

    Welcome back, fellow masochists (or those of you who simply wish to forgo the hassle of reading this crap and opt for my poignant reviews instead). I wish I could say

    met my expectations, but...well, honestly, I don't know

    the fuck that was. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to think. The only thing I know is that, usually after finishing a trilogy/series, I'm lost. My brothers end up finding me curled up in a ball somewhere and they laugh and call me names, most of which are variations of "emo douchebag" because I'm all like

    I can't help it. If I've invested enough of myself into a story to read more than one installment, it generally means I liked it (or at least something about it). That wasn't the case with the Fifty Shades trilogy. I went into

    knowing full well I would probably hate it, and I wasn't wrong. In fact, I think I may have underestimated that book in terms of how thoroughly it would infuriate and disgust me. I considered not bothering with the next two installments because I was certain it wouldn't get any better. Look, I know there are those of you out there who think that it

    get better, but I'm not talking about the story. I mean, I don't think that improved much, either, but the point I'm trying to make is that E.L. James is a terrible writer, technically

    artistically. As a photographer, I can tell you that sucking ass in both categories won't get you far. Certain people will give you a certain amount of latitude one way or another, sure, but if your composition is badly placed, taken at the wrong time of day, crowded, confusing,

    out of focus....well, you get it. Needless to say, I wasn't even halfway through

    before I started getting bored, but I trudged on and it wasn't much different from any of the boredom I've experienced before.

    Then I started reading

    . I can honestly say that I had no idea this kind of feeling was even possible. I've never had a book so thoroughly turn off my desire to read before. Ever. I would read a page here and there, then turn my Kindle off and get online. There wouldn't be anything to do online, and I'd sit at my desk thinking,

    But then I'd just keep surfing the internet. To be honest, it was because every time I even thought about reaching for my Kindle, my brain did this:

    Should we talk about what happened this time around? OK...

    Honeymoon. Christian throwing a tantrum. Ana's boobs get marked up in retaliation. Drama, drama, drama, corn, some cheese, sex sex sex, lots of whining, Christian being clingy, Ana trying to assert her independence, blah blah blah. It reads exactly like the other two books with its repetitive wording and infuriating platitudes, and because of this it suffers far more than the other two books. I was

    of reading this shit. The only thing that set this one apart was the utter weirdness of a few of the scenes. Like Christian marking up Ana's titties after she goes topless on a beach in the south of France. Yeah, it happens. It's OK, though. Ana gives him a pass because, emotionally, he's stuck in adolescence and this apparently gives him free reign to do as he likes with impunity. She's angry at first, sure, but she forgives him. Even after he has the balls to say, "Well, you won't take your top off again."

    The temerity of this character is astounding. E.L. James has managed to create one of the most blatantly antagonistic sociopaths I've ever seen, yet women everywhere are gobbling it up like he's the best thing since the vibrator.

    But nothing really happens in the first 90% of the book except a lot of emotional manipulation. Ana and Christian play games with each other's emotions and genuinely seem to have absolutely no clue how to communicate with another human being. It's apparently all good, though, because the sex makes up for any lack of connection they should have. During one sex scene, Ana thinks, "We still have this. We'll always have this."

    No. No, you won't. Your sex life may still be fulfilling after five, ten, or even fifteen years, but it won't be the same. No, not at all. And if you think for one second that sex can make up for the emotional connection and teamwork a marriage requires, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Look I'm all for fantasy, but I guess I like mine tinged with a little more reality than this. Friendship is the foundation of any solid relationship and without it, you're just bumpin' uglies until it gets boring.

    Arguably the best thing to come out of this book was the fun I had discussing butt plugs with my sister-in-law. Yes, there's a sex scene involving a butt plug, and yes, it's both hilarious and disturbing, if for nothing else but E.L. James' refusal to use the word “ass”. Ana is always using the words 'behind' and 'bottom' to describe her

    “down

    ”, and those words do not mesh well with the concept of an anal sex toy. I'm sorry, but hearing about how Christian inserted a butt plug into Ana's 'bottom' made me both uncomfortable

    highly amused. Or when he inserted his finger into her 'behind'. No. No. As a child, you have a behind or a bottom, but once you hit about 14 or so, it's your butt or your ass. Only occasionally can the other words be used in reference to an older individual and be gotten away with.

    As amusing as all that was, however, it didn't hold a candle to the things that went on when they were

    engaging in anal play. Just to be clear, I don't have anything against people who find pleasure in the anus. If that's your thing, hey, more power to ya. So I don't have a problem with the sex scenes themselves. However, when Christian fingered Ana's arsehole and then

    ...yeah, I was a little grossed out. They're cuddling and everything afterward and on a constant loop in my head was, “poopy finger, poopy finger, poopy finger....poopy....finger!” My sister-in-law said she was wondering if he was going to make her suck on it like he did every other time he jammed his digits into her nether regions.

    But wait, there's more!

    Ana asks Christian who cleans the toys (this is after they've used the aforementioned butt plug), and he informs her it's either him, a submissive, or Mrs. Jones.

    Mrs Jones, the

    . She's a maid and a cook, for pete's sake, not a wall-washer at the local gentleman's club!

    ! Can you imagine taking a housekeeping job with some 27-year-old douche canoe and all you're expecting is dusting, vacuuming, cooking, etc., and the next thing you know, he's handing you a bowl of used butt plugs? Or maybe he's not even handing them to you, he just mentions that, hey, that mysterious almost-always-locked spare room could use a good cleaning and you walk in to discover not only that you've stumbled into some kind of David Lynchian porn den, but you've also been greeted by the smell of stale sex and

    . And oh!

    Mr. and Mrs. Brady may have had their freaky naughty time, but I highly doubt they were crass enough to make Alice clean up after it.

    So then Ana takes the butt plug (yes, I'm still on this) and washes it off in the sink, then vaguely wonders if it needs to be sanitized somehow.

    Well, Ana.........................................I'm thinking yes. Yes, it should probably be subjected to some sort of sanitation process. But that's just my opinion.

    When you read scenes like that over the course of several books, it really comes as no surprise when you discover that Ana has missed several appointments with her gyno and apparently completely forgotten about her birth control shot. You know where this is going.

    Christian is going to fuh

    .

    “Christian, I'm pregnant.”

    And at first, Christian's all like

    But then he's like

    Then he storms out and is never heard from again.

    Ha! I

    'cause that would've been the end of the story, and it would've served Ana right for being such an idiot. But alas, he returns and there's nothing to be done for it except more melodrama. He comes home drunk and Ana finds out he saw the “bitch troll” pedophile again, and she feels betrayed, and yadda yadda. So they fight, and this is the only time in any of the books that they actually have a raging screaming match, and yeah, it was about fucking time it happened, but even the fight is tainted by Ana's ridiculous assertions that if Christian touches her, he'll just get his way because her traitorous body will succumb to him.

    Christian spends the entire book shutting Ana up with his penis.

    So then the ending happens. Something about Hyde kidnapping Christian's sister or some shit. Ana saves the day. Funny. No, it really is 'cause the girl's dumb.

    Well, when that shit's all over, we get this weird-ass epilogue wherein Ana asserts that she thinks their in-utero daughter "likes sex already" because she's dancing around in her mother's womb after...sex? I guess so. There isn't a sex scene, so not only is this remark

    , it's also oddly misplaced. Then Christian sucks popsicle off of his son's fingers.

    What is

    E.L. James and the finger sucking?

    (Edit: A commenter brought to my attention the fact that there is indeed a sex scene before the aforementioned conversation about the baby liking sex. So I double-checked and yes, there

    a sex scene right before. The confusion came about as the direct result of E.L. James's inability to maintain a coherent timeline.)

    After the epilogue, there's even

    pointless drivel. The beginning of

    I can hear the collective squee and the panties droppin' and it kinda makes me wanna choke a bitch. But that's not even the worst of it. No, the worst is that it ends right as Christian's leaving the hardware store, and as the narrative comes to a close, the reader is treated to this:

    Please, someone break her hands. Do it quickly. Might as well cut out her tongue, as well, so she won't be able to dictate her nonsense.

    I think one of the best blurbs for this series (and this installment in particular) would have to be something my older sister said about it after I told her there's a Happily Ever After ending:

    -

    Harsh and bitter? Perhaps, but that's reality. Like I said before, it would be nice if we could have a little realistic fantasy (it's

    an oxymoron if you know what I'm talking about). Christian Grey might have been a desirable character if....well, if he weren't Christian Grey.

    To be honest, I'm disappointed in this review. I just can't seem to muster the same amount of enthusiasm as before. Or even come close. All I know is that I tried to write this twice before, but lost it both times due to computer error, and I took that as a sign that I shouldn't over-think it. Maybe this review reflects the book itself; haphazard and drained. Whatever the case, the only burst of energy I got during this book was at the end. When it was done. It should come as no surprise that my reaction when finishing this book was

    despondent depression. Far from it. When I read that last word and knew I could finally, finally walk away from this trilogy, I felt...

    Yeah. It was

    good. It was "taking a giant crap after being constipated for a week" good. Or "getting laid for the first time in years" good.

    The only thing good about the Fifty Shades trilogy is the moment it finally ends.

    Word Count:

    “Oh my” - 52

    “Crap” - 46

    “Jeez” - 58

    "Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" – 108

    "Whoa" - 14

    "Gasp" - 60

    "Gasps" - 15

    "Sharp Intake of Breath" - 2

    "Murmur" - 115

    "Murmurs" - 186

    "Whisper" - 194

    "Whispers" - 190

    "Mutter" - 88

    "Mutters" - 38

    "Fifty" - 67

    "Lip" - 51

    “Inner goddess” - 33

    “Subconscious” - 48

  • Navessa
    Mar 13, 2013

    Did you know that used bookstores and charity shops are

    Our local ReStore actually put out a news bulletin telling people they were no longer accepting them.

    I'm guessing people are trying to dump them off on the needy because they have buyer's remorse (ME, I HAVE THIS), they don't want people to see these books sitting on their bookshelves (ME, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THESE B

    Did you know that used bookstores and charity shops are

    Our local ReStore actually put out a news bulletin telling people they were no longer accepting them.

    I'm guessing people are trying to dump them off on the needy because they have buyer's remorse (ME, I HAVE THIS), they don't want people to see these books sitting on their bookshelves (ME, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THESE BOOKS SITTING ON MY BOOKSHELVES), or they want to pass the glory of this series around (NOT ME. NOT ME AT ALL. I ACTUALLY JUST GAGGED WHEN I TYPED GLORY).

    So, if you, like me, like

    of us, find yourself with a set of the FSoG trilogy you no longer want, I've compiled a helpful list of ways you can re-use, re-purpose or recycle them!

    Step One: Don't Google how to do this, because you definitely still retain your airplane making skills from middle school.

    Step Two: Make a random fold.

    Step Three: Make some more random folds. Don't worry, it'll be awesome.

    Step Four: Toss that sucker.

    Step One: Google how to make a paper airplane.

    Step Two: Follow instructions. Resent every moment of it.

    Step Three: Lob your stealth fighter at an unsuspecting loved one.

    Step Four: Run like hell when they whip it back at you.

    Step One: Open any of the FSoG books to a random passage. Start reading. Every time Ana says or thinks, "Oh my", take a shot.

    Twenty pages later:

    This works surprisingly well.

    This works unsurprisingly terrible. FSoG is about as good at absorbing snot as it is at portraying a healthy, consensual BDSM relationship.

    Figures that they actually loved this. Buy them all the jingly, interactive toys you want and they'll ignore them. Get them an empty box or a crumpled up description of a man pulling a tampon out of his girlfriend, and they'll play with that shit all day. Cats. Ugh.

    At first I wanted to make a paper mache peesh, because how hilarious would that be? I'm not even going to post a picture of the travesty I created. It looked like a half-sunken molehill. Apparently I'm about as good with the female anatomy as my high school boyfriends were.

    Ba-dum-ching.

    So, I decided to attempt a paper mache butt. Because that seemed easy enough.

    Step One: Take the fifteen layers of crafting drop cloth you've acquired and crumple a bunch of it into a ball. Repeat.

    Step Two: Mix an equal part of Elmer's Glue and water in a container.

    Step Three: Resist the urge to do that thing you did in kindergarten. You know, when you coated your hands in glue, waited for it to dry, and then slowly peeled it off, getting a strange amount of pleasure from the process.

    Step Four: Cut up about twenty pages of any of the FSoG books into 1-2 inch strips.

    Step Five: For the first layer, wet the strips with water only, and drape them over your butt cheeks. The paper ones, not your actual ones. Don't get weird.

    Step Six: Now pile on some layers of the glue mix. Remember to use your fingers to strain away extra liquid, otherwise you'll end up with a mess on your hands.

    Step Seven: Wait for it to dry. Be super unimpressed when you get back to it.

    Step Eight: Quit. Hey, I didn't say that all these ideas would work out!

    Step Nine: Come up with a genius plan to salvage the situation.

    Alcohol. Alcohol will help.

    Normal mode: Roll a page up and poke a sleeping kitteh.

    Challenge Mode: Take a selfie with them before they scratch the shit out of you.

    Protect breakable goods when shipping! I recommend selecting explicit sex scenes for this. Don't warn the person you're shipping to either, because that would take all the fun out of it.

    This is my butt. This is totally my butt. This is my totally normal butt. All the time. This is what I live with.

    Look at the booty, look at the booty, look at the - oops. What?! No! I am NOT stuffing!

    Wrap your delicate shrubs and trees with paper to keep them from dying during the WINTER FROM HELL.

    Step One: Lay down a single layer of sheets over your garden (or in this case over one of your indoor boxed planters - BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW).

    Step Two: Cover in mulch.

    Step One: Select a target.

    Step Two: Get crafting.

    Step Three: Send a message.

    Step One: Take a bunch of pages containing contrived relationship drama, and paint that shit in the "colors of love".

    Step Two: Once your pages have dried, stack them and draw a whirlpool design on the top one.

    Step Three: Cut. It. Out.

    Step Four: Curl it up and glue it together.

    Step Five: Take some green wire, bend it to your will (you want them to resemble stems), and tape those flowers to it!

    Step Seven: Take some left over white flowers from #1-15 and add them in to the flower arrangement.

    Step Eight: SO PRETTEH

    Step One: Paint a sheet whichever color you want on each side.

    Step Two: Once it dries, add a message.

    Step Three: Share.


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